Posts tagged Andrew Raschke

Dear Tyresse,

You and I probably shouldn’t be talking. You’re part of the Woodbury group now, and, well… I’m not. I just wanted to chat with you about one thing really quick. You know things aren’t good here, right? I mean, it seems like it’s starting to click with you, but is it really? Are you actually seeing how, and I use this word knowing it doesn’t fit the situation, ODD this place is? Let’s get something straight here: the Governor is lying to you. He’s not a trustworthy guy. Now granted, I know he comes off calm and cool and collected. Hell, I’m not gay, but even I realize he’s a handsome man (in a pirate-y sort of way). You can’t believe what he’s telling you though. “The trailer full of walkers is just a scare tactic.” Really? Look, you may not believe me when I tell you this, and why should you? You don’t know me. But, I have it on good authority that the Governor, in his quarters, has a secret room. Now you may say to yourself “What’s so wrong with that? He’s a man of power. He deserves time to himself, even if that means in a secret room, just to get away.” But, what if I told you that in this room, he had fish tanks full of walker heads? What if I told you he was also keeping his ZOMBIFIED daughter locked up in that room? Would you be ready to leave then? And that whole thing with Andrea leaving Woodbury. If a woman would rather live on her own in the woods (or so you were told!) than in a barricaded and seemingly safe town, doesn’t that seem “odd”? And I thought you were a man, Tyresse! You are, aren’t you? Because you’re letting the Governor treat you like he owns you (I’m not calling you a slave; that’s racist, and I’m not racist)! “Yes sir, I’ll go help Martinez and do whatever you say.” I understand you want to protect your people, but at what point do you say “not until I get some answers”?

Look man… I can’t sit here and try to apologize for any of the actions of other people, okay? That isn’t my job. I’m not going to tell you that what Rick did at the prison when he came back and saw you guys was right. It wasn’t. He should have seen the opportunity that was presented to him by adding four more able bodied people to the group. But he was going through some shit, man. He lost his wife. His best friend turned on him and he had to kill him. He has a baby to take care of in this crazy new world, and it might not even be his (Maury, right?)! If you were to show back up at the prison knowing what you know now, I bet things would be different.

So go, Tyresse. You and Sasha need to get out of Woodbury while the “gettin’ is good”, as they say (Allen and Ben can stay there; those two can’t be trusted). I like you, and I’d rather see you on the good side of this.

-Andrew

I hate Andrea.

I always have and probably always will. Ever since the first time we met her in that department store in season one, she didn’t sit well with me (it’s the goddamn zombie apocolypse; does your sister REALLY need a present?!). I say all this meaning no disrespect to Laurie Holden, the actress responsible for bringing Andrea to life. She’s probably a nice lady and she’s just doing her job. However, it’s time for Andrea to die.

There’s only two episodes left in the season, which overall has been great, but there has been more than a few slow episodes. It completely blows my mind why, at this point, so close to the end, they would have such a boring, Andrea-centric episode. This isn’t the first one of the season either (see “I Ain’t a Judas”). I just don’t see this as the time to be focusing on her. Now sure, the episode had some great moments (Andrea hiding behind the door and leaving Phillip (that’s right “Governor”, I called you Phillip!) to be attacked by walkers; the end with Andrea in the chair), but overall, I think other things need to be explored this close to the end.

Why not look at what’s going on with Glenn and Maggie? They’re the “Romeo and Juliet” of the show. Are you telling me there’s nothing to examine with them anymore? I think there’s more going on than them banging in some storage unit. Why not look more at Daryl and Merle? They’ve been reunited after how long? Over a year? Close to two?! Hell, I’d even take seeing more bonding between Hershel and Merle! I get that Andrea is supposed to be the back and forth between Woodbury and the prison, but you can only focus on that so much. And she’s being played anyway! Andrea has to be one of the most naive characters I’ve ever seen on a show (she’s up there with Debra Morgan from the show ‘Dexter’; your brother has been killing people for like seven seasons now and you had no clue!)! How long did she refuse to believe the Governor’s behavior was just a tad shady? Did a room full of heads in fish tanks do it for you? Or was it his zombified daughter locked up in the secret closet? Perhaps it was when he walked out into the middle of the street, shot a man in the head, AND LEFT WITHOUT SAYING A WORD?!

It is of my opinion that Andrea has served her purpose on the show (that’s a lie; I don’t know what her purpose was) and it’s time to say goodbye. I’ve predicted that some characters will be dead before the season ends (Beth, Carol, Hershel, Merle, the baby; at least 3 of these will not make it to season four), and I’m adding her to my list. Please step it up in the end, Walking Dead, and let’s head into season four on a good note… with less annoying characters.

-Andrew

TONIGHT! Comedy night at the Draft Sports Grille! 9150 W Cross St in Littleton. Show starts at 10:00pm. FREE! DO IT!

-Andrew

I have a lot of favorite comics. In a world saturated with stand-up, some stand out more than others. I have two comics that are at the top of my list, in a sort of 1A, 1B situation. Those comics are Louis CK and Christopher Titus. Both have qualities about them that differentiate the two, yet both share one quality: they’re totally and utterly honest on stage. Titus is more so out of the two, because he shares some SERIOUSLY crazy stories; the kinds of stories that might keep a person from winning a public office or having a park named after them.

It is through the magic of Twitter (follow me there; www.twitter.com/ar_dizzle) that I was able to contact Titus and ask him if he would sit down with me for an interview for this very blog. EXCITING, I know. I may see if he’s okay with doing a little more (podcast anyone?), but I don’t want to push my luck.

It is with that, Tumblrlers (?), that I ask you: what questions should I ask the fantastically hilarious Mr. Titus? Send me your funny and creative questions. Here is an example of a question that I’m going to ask:

“I listen to a few podcasts, but my top three are yours, Marc Maron’s, and Bill Burr’s. Out of the three of you, who do you think would win in a fight?”

That is an acceptable, funny, creative, not boring question. Questions like these will totally be asked. Below, I give you a bad example:

“How big is Stacy Keach’s dick?”

See? Not cool. Submit your questions to me by Sunday, March 23rd, and I may just ask Big T (I call him that; it’s gonna stick).

-Andrew

Hello Tumblr, you porn infested, meme hoarding, comatose inducing blogosphere! It’s been some time, hasn’t it? I apologize for my leave of absence. I took a job on a sail barge prawn fishing off the coast of New Zealand. In our second week, we hit some terrible storms and our ship was hit by an 80 foot wave, tossing me from the ship like a rag doll into the abyss known only as “the drink”. I was out in the ocean for three days, only to be rescued by a party yacht filled with absinthe and hookers. I met George Clooney, Pitbull, and Diamond Dallas Page (a weird trio to be hanging out together, I know). We sailed back to Denver (?) and here I am.

I’ll be here a lot, too. I have some sweet things coming up in the future, so expect more posts. I thought it best to start here…

I’ve been mad a lot lately, and since I don’t own a punching bag or a wife that condones domestic violence, I’ll take to Tumblr and express my anger in a segment I like to call…

“Expressing My Anger with Andrew Raschke”.

Why is it that in the year 2013 a restaurant can’t have both Coke and Pepsi products? Is it that big of a deal? Because honestly, I’m tired of having this conversation:

Hi sir, can I get you a drink?
I’ll have a Mountain Dew.
Is Mello Yello alright?
No. If I wanted Mello Yello, I’d drink my kids’ bath water after they “accidentally” pissed in it.

I also really hate reality television. Do we really need a Kardashian spin off show starring the same fucking Kardashians? More importantly, do we need Kardashian shows period? Granted, I understand that Kim’s ass is so big, it could use two shows. “Last week, on ‘Kim’s Back Door’, Kim’s asshole spews just as much shit as her mouth hole, and Kanye probably had his dick in both.” And is this REALLY what constitutes a celebrity these days? Because if banging black guys makes you famous, I have a gay uncle that deserves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I also hate seeing old women trying to dress like their in their twenties. Hey Old Mother Hubbard, what made you think the sweatpants with the word ‘juicy’ across the ass was a good purchase? That thing hasn’t been juicy in 25 years! Try ‘lumpy’. Or ‘saggy’. Or ‘celulite’. ‘Cottage Cheese’ maybe? How does that shot with you?

And have you ever noticed the women who buy those stickers for their cars that say things like “sexy” or “goddess” are usually the furtherest thing from it? Look Bertha, just because they sell the sticker down at the Walmart doesn’t mean you should buy it. Guess what? They also sell Taebo DVD’s and low fat Choco Tacos, but I don’t see you buying that shit!

… and this concludes “Expressing My Anger with Andrew Raschke”.

-Andrew

Dane Cook, you’re a fucking idiot.

If you don’t know why (or if you need another reason to see why), see HERE.

A Facebook friend of mine said he loves Dane Cook, but agreed that maybe it was a little too early. I had to explain my opinion, and here it is:

Here’s the thing: we’ve ALL made a shitty, distasteful joke regarding one topic or another. Hell, I made tsunami jokes literally an hour or two after it happened in Japan last year (“10 million people without power? What’s that, like 4 apartment buildings?”). We’ve all done it. But, I think we do it because it’s not us it’s happened to. But this is us. This is something that happened in our country and our country feels the effects of it. I’m not saying that’s right to simply think if it’s happened to anyone but our country, it’s fair game to run rampant on it joke wise. But, it happened in our country. Hell, one of the people it happened to is a fucking stand-up comic!

People make mistakes. I get it. But the thing is, Dane Cook has been nothing but disrespectful to not only the audiences he has performed for, but the craft of stand-up comedy PERIOD. He interrupted a show already in progress, and bumped comics (see T.J. Miller) because “he’s Dane Cook” and he “wanted to work some material out” (material he wrote AFTER he said he was going to stop doing stand-up to pursue his acting career (“I don’t want to disrespect the craft” he said; how ironic)). He talked about “chainsaw fucking” a woman’s vagina and making a woman get an abortion and not pay for it. Dane Cook hasn’t been funny since 2003.

Plus, he talked shit about “The Dark Knight Rises”, so fuck that guy.